When we are caught in self- judgment and self-hate, the more primitive parts of our brain get activated.
That means we often find ourselves in state of fight, flight or freeze and our red alert system is constantly on the lookout for danger or threat. This is even more likely when we dealing with cumulative stress impacts or if you have had negative messaging imprinted from developmental trauma.
So here is a tool from Tara Brach, Ph.D, which will help you get unstuck from patterns of self loathing that can creep up when your brain is stressed. It’s an opportunity to be there as the loving parent for yourself even when that seems impossible.
3 Steps for letting go of self judgment
1. Learning to observe your own thoughts
2. Mindfully sense your own feelings
3. Offer gestures of care to your inner self
Each of these are important for our transforming our sense of who we are. That’s why the 3 processes are so important:
Each of the above steps activates the more recently evolved parts of our brain, the frontal cortex and the neural pathways responsible for reason, empathy and compassion. These processes move us from the survival physiology that gets triggered in stress: “fight, flight, freeze”, to a state described as “tend and befriend”.
Through these three processes we are literally evolving ourselves to relate to our inner life from a more whole, caring and intelligent perspective. We are also more available to receive support and connect with others.
Here is a breakdown of the processes in more detail:
1. Learning to observe your own thoughts
a. Simply being a witness to your thoughts: step back and observe what is moving through your mind
2. Mindfully sense your own feelings (and allow them to be just as they are)
a. Pay attention to what is underneath the judgments
b. Name the feelings.
Labeling activates frontal cortex and shifts out of limbic system, thus emotions have less capacity to take over and possess us. We become more like the ocean, with more room for the waves.
c. Let the feelings move through you.
When we resist emotions, that’s when our own inner conflict poisons our relationship with self and others.
d. If noticing pain, acknowledge the truth: that this is suffering.
You can even say “ouch”, “this hurts” or “this is suffering”. When we can acknowledge suffering we have set the grounds for genuine compassion, allows us to feel caring towards ourselves.
3. Offer gestures of care to your inner self
--put hand on heart and offer words of care to the hurting place
--picture waves of caring coming into your heart
--imagine a warm blanket comforting the pain
--or what ever gesture seems appropriate to you
Now take a moment to practice this skill. Like anything, it might seem strange at first, but with regular practice in the moment, or in a dedicated timeframe each day, it can help you shift towards a more compassionate and spacious inner life, rather than a self-harmful one.
A therapist that you feel comfortable with can also be an excellent support in shifting these patterns- remember you don’t have to do it alone.